Below are highlights from an interview conducted with your local triathlete. The questions are pretty hard hitting but I did my best. This is part of an ongoing series:
Interviewer: Why did you choose a triathlon?
Me: I thought a triathlon would best allow me to utilize the multitude of my athletic abilities to achieve a higher plane as an athlete and as a person.
Interviewer: Very interesting. Why this triathlon?
Me: It's in Hawaii.
Interviewer: They do triathlons in San Francisco. You live in San Francisco. Why not do one of those?
Me: Those aren't in Hawaii, they are in San Franciso.
Interviewer: But you like San Francisco?
Me: Yes, but I'm afraid a sea lion will eat me during a triathlon in San Francisco. I am not worried about that in Hawaii.
Interviewer: But they have sharks in Hawaii.
Me: True, but sharks aren't attracted to me like sea lions. When I go to Pier 39 where the sea lions live, they jump off their rafts, swim to the dock, climb up the steps, and surround me like I'm a Jonas brother at a tween convention. They make barking sea lion noises and smell bad too and it's a stink you can't easily wash off, it just hangs around. Sort of like teen agers. Just barking and stinking and barking and surrounding me and barking some more, all the while the stinking. It's horrible. (a pause, almost slightly awkward) Have you ever been to a tween convention?
Interviewer: I'll ask the questions here thank you.
Me: You're welcome.
Interviewer: Have you ever considered doing a marathon?
Interviewer: They do marathons in San Francisco. You live in San Francisco. Why not do one of those.
Me: Too hilly. And you can't sit on the beach afterwards and drink beer out of coconuts. Or maybe I could, but it wouldn't be the same.
Interviewer (giggling a little): No, Hawaii and San Francisco are not the same. Where did you consider doing a marathon?
Me: Rome. Team In Training does a marathon in Rome and I almost did that. Picture it: Roma, 2009. Eating fresh pasta to carbo load before the event and wine after to relax. It starts and ends at the coliseum, running along the historic sites of Rome, and you actually pass through a second country - Vatican City. I hear you get to run through the Pope's secret hallway where the pope would escape the chattering class if the people of Vatican City ever revolted. And to keep the spirit of Old Rome alive, they have lions on the course the last 5 miles to motivate you, just like Gladiator. The last 5 miles of a marathon are called the death miles because your body is so tired. Or at least they are called that in Rome because you might get eaten by a lion.
Interviewer (almost offended): That's not true.
Me: Some of it is.
Interviewer: Not much of it.
Interviewer: Why didn't you do the marathon instead of the triathlon?
Me: I would have had to raise even more money. If you think I'm annoying now, picture me with another $2,000 on that damned thermometer...
To be continued...